He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize