I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
