he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
