I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
