I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
