I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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