do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
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she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
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He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
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