tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
