my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
