OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
