The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
