the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My life is pants optional.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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