How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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