I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
