Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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