i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize