My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
