I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
