i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
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You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize