You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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