If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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