i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
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I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
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I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
We smell like vodka and hangover
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