so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
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So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
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When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize