i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
