I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
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yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
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Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
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