Ketchup is God's man juice
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
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CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
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I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Floor bacon is actually really good
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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