I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
