the new term for farting is butt boxing.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
