I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
