I think I died a long time ago.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
We are two peas in an std pod
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
