i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
