the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm way too hungover for life right now
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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