if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
