he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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