Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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