herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
