Cold hands, warm shart.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
