I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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