Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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