he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
