i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
