y did u give ur computer a hand job?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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