We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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