Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Randomize
