Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
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he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize