Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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