turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
