You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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