I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
