3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
