You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
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it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
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Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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