I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
