So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
