Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
