mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
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You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
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Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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