i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
