It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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